I often see many novice chatters who engage in half-hearted conversations with girls, even when the conversation is completely off-track from their original intentions. They continue because they believe that as long as the conversation goes on, it's a good thing. They think the more they talk, the better it will be for their relationship. But in reality, guys, this often ends up as awkward silences.
Some guys also frequently argue with girls, try to lecture them, or spout life lessons. They even try to impart knowledge, thinking they're providing significant help, only to find the girl completely unresponsive. The reason for all these situations is simple: these people don't understand their purpose in chatting.
We say that before doing anything, we must first clarify our goals, because only with a clear goal will our process stay on track. The same applies to chatting; only by understanding the purpose of your conversation can you avoid making these various mistakes.
Besides those who chat aimlessly without a clear goal, there are some people who are very clear about their chatting objectives, but their objectives might be flawed. In my past teaching career, the most frequent question I heard was, "Teacher, how do I chat to make someone fall in love with me?"
I don't know if you've ever had this question, but I have to tell you a harsh reality: the question itself is flawed and impossible. To be more precise, don't expect to make someone fall in love with you simply through online chatting.
The core purpose of online chatting is to create a comfortable environment for both of you, to give the girl a good impression and a positive mood, so that your relationship can smoothly transition from online to offline. Once offline, you have more room to develop the relationship. Then, you can combine the specific atmosphere and setting, your appearance, body language, language, and temperament to have a deeper exchange with the other person, express your values, share your life experiences, and convey your personality charm, thereby achieving the goal of establishing a relationship.
So, brothers, don't fantasize that you can make someone fall head over heels in love with you just by using some amazing chatting skills. That's impossible.
Some of you might say, "No, teacher, I've had experience establishing relationships online before, and we even called each other 'darling.' Doesn't that count as establishing a relationship online?"
Brothers, that does happen in real life, but you need to understand that this online nickname is just that—a nickname. It doesn't mean your relationship is stable.
A truly stable relationship between a man and a woman is built on a foundation of genuine understanding; it requires seeing and touching each other, not just fantasies of love through a screen. All online romances eventually require meeting in person to establish a relationship. Therefore, don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can make someone fall in love with you simply by chatting.
1. Testing and Discovering the Window
2. Advancing and Escalating the Relationship
3. Communication and Daily Maintenance
Some guys might not know what a window is. Let's take a romantic relationship as an example. Whether a girl has a window for you refers to whether she's willing to be flirted with at that moment. The most common scenario is whether she responds positively when you chat with her and send her messages. If she only replies politely or ignores you completely, then there's no window. But if her responses are positive, and she's even willing to actively interact with you, then we would consider that there's a window.
In chatting, if you want to develop a deeper relationship with someone, the first thing you need to do is test and discover their window. Only when their window is open to you do you have a chance to escalate the relationship. Many people don't understand this goal, which is why there are many cases of aggressive flirting. They start with cheesy pickup lines, immediately invite you out, etc.
Of course, sometimes the other person's window isn't very obvious. We need to read the hints between the lines during the chat to make an accurate judgment. However, we also have some methods to proactively probe the other person's emotional window, which we will discuss in later lessons. But regardless, you must remember that the first goal of chatting is to probe and uncover this window.
If things go smoothly, we move on to the second goal: advancing and escalating the relationship. When you and a girl have had initial interaction, and her responses are also positive, what should you do? Some guys find that they're having a good chat, and the other person's responses are positive, so they think they're using the right methods. They believe that if they just keep chatting like this, they'll eventually become boyfriend and girlfriend. But things often don't go as planned. Their relationship not only doesn't improve, but the other person's responses become increasingly negative. Before long, they find that they can't chat anymore.
This is because they didn't advance and escalate the relationship when the window appeared. In chatting, you must remember one thing: when a window appears, don't get caught up in this seemingly positive interaction. At this moment, there's only one thing you should do: advance the relationship. What does it mean to advance the relationship? The point is to prevent your relationship from stagnating; to deepen the conversations and increase the interaction. The most direct way to advance the relationship is by inviting her out.
Once, an internal student asked us for help with chatting. After chatting for a while, the other person seemed quite interested, and eventually, the girl agreed to a date. We then asked this guy when he was free to go on a date with her. He replied, "I'm pretty busy lately, I might not have time to see her. Can I postpone the date?"
I asked him, "If you don't have time, why are we advancing the relationship?" This student said, "I just can't help but want to chat. It's a little uncomfortable if we don't contact each other for a few days."
The root cause of this was that he didn't understand his purpose before chatting, which led to this situation. So, when a girl gives you a chance, if you want to develop the relationship further, you must advance it. Of course, advancing the relationship doesn't necessarily mean inviting her out. There are many ways to upgrade relationships online, which we'll discuss in later lessons.
This brings us to our third chat goal: daily communication and maintenance. When the other person isn't making a move, or when they are, but you're not in a rush to advance the relationship, what we need to do is maintain daily communication and maintenance. This means keeping the connection alive, making the girl feel like you're a friend.
Some beginners are completely unaware of this. They add a girl and immediately want to ask her out, but if she refuses, they stop talking, not saying a word. Then, after a while, when they want to contact her again, they chat briefly, ask her out again, and are rejected again, and the cycle repeats. This approach is terrible; it makes the other person feel like you have ulterior motives, which is very off-putting.
And because you haven't built up any daily emotional connection, the girl will think, "Who are you? Are we even that close?" You see, such an invitation is almost impossible to succeed. Therefore, we should occasionally chat with the other person to maintain basic contact. Of course, in this case, the amount of chatting doesn't need to be particularly high, nor the frequency. It's best to maintain a friendly relationship. Don't be like the case I mentioned before, where you went to great lengths to get the girl excited, only to find she didn't have time to keep the appointment. It's better to disappear completely than to do that. This is the essence of daily communication and maintenance.
Although my course uses male-female relationships as a starting point, I'm discussing the fundamental principles of social communication, applicable to various social scenarios. For example, if you're a salesperson wanting to do business with a client and secure a large order, wouldn't your initial conversations with this client aim to achieve these three things?
First, to probe and explore potential opportunities. Start with a few simple conversations to gauge the client's interest in your product, their purchasing needs, and whether there's room for deeper discussion.
Second, if they're interested, find opportunities to advance and upgrade your relationship. Seek a face-to-face visit to discuss the specifics of the collaboration, understand their company's needs, and see if you can meet them.
Third, daily maintenance. Even if you haven't secured the order, you still need to maintain the client relationship. When the client needs you again, or when their budget is sufficient next year, you will be the first person they think of as a potential partner.
The underlying logic of all social conversation goals is identical. Before every chat, clarify your core purpose; check your words mid-conversation to avoid drifting off track, and you will avoid most common social mistakes.